Things Your Momma Never Told You About Being Big
by jason meuller
So, you wanna be a bodybuilder, huh? Stand up on stage next to the big boys, get all the ladies, never have that sand kicked in your face again, I hear ya. There’s one little problem though. Walking around with all that extra steroid-induced muscle isn’t all peaches and cream baby. Sometimes it can be a downright pain in the ass (literally). Sit back and pay attention, school is now in session.
Breathing is a Bitch
If you’ve ever had the chance to hang out with a professional bodybuilder, one thing becomes immediately clear. Most of these guys suck wind like you wouldn’t believe. Simple tasks, like say, checking the mail for instance, is enough to make a lot of these guys gasp and wheeze for oxygen.
I myself have experienced this on many occasions. I own a three-story condo with plenty of stairs. Stairs. The bane to my existence. Do you know how many times I’ve considered installing one of those chairs that helps old people up the stairs? It’s especially lovely after a brutal leg workout, it’s 11 at night, and I’ve got to get some sleep. Do I climb three flights of stairs so I can get to my bedroom or crash out on the couch?
The human heart was not designed to pump blood through miles of additional vascular networks that are created through steroid induced hypertrophy. Quite frankly, many of these athletes are taxing their hearts to very dangerous levels. The combination of extreme size, steroid-related hypertension, and lack of cardiovascular conditioning makes for a dangerous combination.
You Sweat Like a Gerbil at a Gay Pride Rally
Ok, I admit that was probably in poor taste, but it was damn funny. Who likes to sweat? Hey, if you’re planning on being one of the big boys, you’re going to learn to love it! You think you sweat profusely now? Wait until you’re about 280 lbs of muscle and see what happens. more…
